I have made the acquaintance of many vampires in my day. Often have I accompanied them as they hunted foolish youths down gloomy European alleyways, or spread disease through the countryside in order to swell their ghastly ranks. I have interviewed vampires for Harper's, New Yorker, Esquire and Ladies' Homes Journal, only for the editors to laugh at me over their high-balls and assert that I should not have believed them when they promised to pay grandiose sums for my exclusive content. Besides, they would add, Anne Rice did it first. Those editors are now, each and every one of them, psychically overthrown slaves to my dear friend Count Krdszyć the Defiler. I think this goes a long way in explaining much about those publications' content in recent years, but now I'm rushing ahead of myself, dear me!
I have worked with vampire hunters at whiles, too. From these intrepid men and women, I have learned where the nosferatu nest. I know what kinds of people make their favourite meals (surprisingly, it isn't Eastern Europeans). I know how they relish in pain, suffering and misery. I have seen how every kind of vice, disease, torture and evil is supported by their machinations. People often forget these days when dealing with the chyldren that they are, in fact, realisations of mankind's most diabolical predilections. Their vice is not limited to the presently vaunted debauchery that receives such a frequent pass, either, but unequivocally I mean every kind of evil. Genocide, hatred, violence, greed, arrogance, exploitation, thievery, witchcraft... just name something, anything, that has been justly and roundly rejected by the great moral thinkers of this universe (and at least a good twenty to thirty others), and history will show that vampires have avidly supported it!
I have danced with vampires, I have sung with vampires. In one dimension, I even used a morphogenetic projection of myself to attempt dating a vampiress (it didn't work, mind). Vampires fascinate and sicken me even as I both fascinate and sicken myself. They are dark, vicious, unholy and perverse constructs that exist because of the darkness that lurks within mankind's own heart. Unlike us, however, these beings are beyond redemption. Vampires are evil. They are not playthings. Our own affinity for glamourising these horrible creatures may very well lead to our downfall – granted, I often find them quite fitting myself.
All that aside, let this simply show that I know vampires.
You, sir, Edward Cullen, are no vampire.
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